A Man Alone. Status Update: Day 2

This is really a bunch of notes for myself more than anything. Jessica is a driven, “professional-advancement” type, so I assume she’ll be leaving me again at some point.  In general, things are going really well. Still I thought it’d be a good idea to jot some notes to myself just so that I remember some very minor issues for next time. This isn’t my normal comical post, so you probably shouldn’t read it.

Oh, and if you happen to, these are just some thoughts that are specific to my situation- and probably don’t pertain to anyone in general.

In The Mornings

1. It’s a good idea just to leave the heated floor of the office turned on for the duration of your wife’s travels
   1. The bedroom is much more comfortable than the office when the heated floor is accidentally turned off
2. Despite what you tell them, cats will probably not realize that you forgot to set the alarm
   1. Even if they did realize it, they will probably not care enough to wake you up
      1. Even if they care enough, you’ll be asleep, and will probably get angry and push them off of the bed
3. Make sure you set the alarm
4. It’s probably a bad idea to empty the cat litter box and then decide that it’s alright if you don’t fill it with cat litter
5. Cheese doesn’t make a very good replacement for eggs… at least as a basic protein source
6. At some point, you’ll probably regret forgetting to buy toilet paper
7. It’s a good idea to make shopping lists so that you remember to buy things like eggs, cat litter and toilet paper
8. Showers might be something to consider before going to bed, especially if you ever run out of toilet paper

At Lunchtime

1. Afternoons are hard enough already, so when you come home for lunch, make sure there’s more than beer in the fridge
2. You might want to consider doing Morning #7 at this point, in order to prevent Lunchtime #1

In The Evenings

1. Beer doesn’t make a very good replacement for cheese… at least as a basic protein source
2. If you’re going to invite people over, it’s a good idea to make sure there’s enough toilet paper
   1. Interestingly, if there is enough beer in the fridge, people don’t mind much about the “no toilet paper” thing
      1. It is more difficult to clean up after a party at which there was no toilet paper present
3. In general, you should begin binge drinking after you check to make sure that the hot tub is not leaking
   1. Filling a hot tub with booze and honey water only seems like a “really good idea.” No, self, I realize that, but you have to trust me. This is your sober self talking.
4. There are an amazing number of cracks and crevices in the floor of your livingroom- at some point those might need to be cleaned and filled
5. Don’t ask why there are footprints of a pig on your ceiling, it’s easier to just clean them off and leave well enough alone
6. It’s not a good idea to actually hire people to come to a party
   1. If you do decide to hire people, make sure they don’t have deep, husky, sexy Demi Moore voices
      1. If they do have deep, husky, sexy Demi Moore voices, make sure that the deep, husky, sexy voice is actually that of a female. Again, this is your sober self talking.
7. Whiskey doesn’t make a very good replacement for beer… at least as a basic protein source
8. “Screw it, I may as well just finish the job” is not necessarily a good thought for you to have. Ever.
9. Some people may look for possible replacements for toilet paper
   1. The term “common sense” is not often “common,” and does not necessarily make what you would consider “sense”

Late at Night… When You’re All Alone

1. It’s much more difficult to deal with conflicted feelings about deep, husky, sexy voices in a very quiet house
   1. Playing the radio makes for a less quiet house, where you can put off thinking about conflicted feelings
2. The longer you lie awake, the closer you are to remembering that the radio is actually an alarm, and the alarm is not set, and you may want to roll over and turn the alarm on so you don’t oversleep again
3. Don’t ever scream, and don’t ask what they are doing in your bed. It’s much better to suggest that they might find the office more comfortable because it’s warm.
4. It’s a good idea just to leave the heated floor of the office turned on for the duration of your wife’s travels.

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