Giving as… Listening

Because it’s Christmas, and because this time of gift-giving is so difficult in so many ways, I wanted to take a moment to detail more about what gift-giving is to me. The focus of it being that gifts have meaning.

And, more importantly, the act of giving itself has meaning. Deep meaning.

When I give a gift, the responsibility of that gift lies with me, the giver. It is my responsibility to know this person, to take the time to seek and to listen. It is my responsibility to find that one thing that they secretly want, but would not share with themselves. That thing they feel they don’t deserve or can’t afford.

Then, having given them this gift, I thus remove their guilt of having this thing.

That is the real gift.

The gift of receiving the thing free of the burden of needing justification. If I gave an expensive but unwanted jewel, I’d be saying “here’s meaninglessness in our meaningless relationship.” If I give a treasured but inexpensive trifle, I’m saying “Here is meaning, in the depth of our relationship.”

Now, this is not to say that this is universally true. There are times when I am obliged to give a gift to someone I don’t know, or haven’t had time to know, or maybe even will never know. How could I accept the responsibility of knowing this unknowable person enough to know what their secret inner desires are?

I can’t.

But what I can do is do my best to find out what I can, and, all else failing, maybe giving this person something that I, myself, would want– or at least that part of me that I feel is most in common with that person.

The underlying goal here, whatever the outcome, is the same: Relationship.

Gift-giving is an act that deepens a relationship by focusing the responsibility of listening and learning on the giver, rather than focusing the responsibility of reciprocity on the receiver.

Thanks as…

And as to thanks, rarely do I want them. That’s another incongruity between myself and Jessica’s family. Rather than fawning with praise and thanks as expected, I want a minimum of thanks. A mere gesture is enough.

Why?

Because if we focus on the thanks that are due me as a gift-giver, then we’re focusing on the wrong part.

I do not give a gift to demand praise, to require acknowledgment. The more you thank me, the more we focus on the praise, and that’s not the point of giving the gift. The reciprocity I expect is not blatant acknowledgment, but subtle depth. The reciprocity is the deepening of the relationship. Don’t thank me, acknowledge to yourself that we share, that we listen, and then deepen that listening.

The giving of a gift in my culture is a strengthening of the relationship, because life centers around our relationships. To us, this is “gift-giving as listening.”

Is there no reciprocity? Don’t be silly. Reciprocity is culturally universal. I expect it as anyone does. But the reciprocity I expect is not based on the value or worth of the gift itself. Rather, the value I place is on the depth of understanding it represents.

It would be a deep insult to me for you to find the monetary value of my gift and give me one of equal monetary value. Once again, if you want to insult someone in my culture, give them a gift that is obviously of the exact same monetary value.¹

That’s it. Gift returned. Value equaled. We are finished.

Would you reduce our relationship to dollars alone?

Rather, if I were to give you a gift worth thousands of dollars that I knew you deeply wanted, and you were to give me a two dollar token as reward, I would feel honored, as long as that token showed that you understood, that you’d listened, that you took responsibility to seek that which would touch me.

Reciprocity is a reflection of the gift, and the gift is listening, understanding, even removing guilt of ownership. It is that, not money, that is to be repaid.

Giving as…

So, once again, I find myself in the Christmas of Confusion, watching the prairie storm approach and knowing what to expect. I will effusively thank, and I will keep receipts. I’ll give gifts as meaningfully as I can, and I’ll hear too much praise in return, knowing that there is little value attached to the meaning of my gift. I sit watching the prairie storm, and knowing that I will be buffeted by its winds.

And, sadly and most importantly, I know that they probably feel the same way about me.

Because that’s the thing about two cultures meeting. Theirs is always the strange one.

And here, I am they.

I wonder how much my gift-giving culture insults them.

1. I recognize, of course, that this is a dominant practice in Western culture, and thus tend to roll with the punch as I do others. Still, even while I understand that it is acceptable, it is something that always scrapes at my ribs like the thorn of a bush on bare skin. [↩]

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