Ladies, I’ve got something to say. I say it all the time and it’s a comment that’s universally devalued, so I don’t know why I’d bother to say it now, but here goes.
You are gorgeous.
Really. You’ve got to start believing us because your disbelief is seriously getting in the way. We’re sitting here looking at your awesomeness, and you keep trying to shift our attention by telling us how ugly you are. It’s confusing, because we have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.
I’ve never read Redbook, but I was recently sitting in a doctors office waiting for my dear, and hot, Jessica to come out of a proceedure and saw an article that caught my eye because it had a word that is an unfortunately negative description of one thing I really like by using words for another thing I really like: Muffin top.1
Ladies, seriously, read this article. It’s good. Much better than what I was expecting. The guy’s serious. We don’t notice– and if we do, we probably like it.
If anything, this article doesn’t go far enough.
While you’re obsessing over some random, unimportant, and entirely self-perceived body flaw, we- the men in your life- are really just focusing on how hot you are. In fact, we’re probably looking at the exact same thing you’re looking at and thinking “Mmmm, I’m hungry, gimme somma that!”
Every time you point out your wrinkles, or belly, or stretch marks, we think “what the hell is she even talking about? Is she looking at the same thing I’m looking at? Because from the way she’s talking, we gotta be lookin at different things!”
Honestly. It’s like you’re not even speaking a real language. It’s not because we’re trying to ignore it, or pretending it’s not there. We just honestly, really, there’s no chance you’ll believe how true this is don’t see it. You think “ugly muffin top” and you know what we think? Nothing.
No, literally. Nothing. Brain switched off. Shut down. We’re just staring straight into the burning sun of hot and sexy.
You know that woman you hate? The one who is maybe a bit overweight– or, at least, more overweight than you thank you very much!– or has a scar, or a lazy eye, or some other “ugly” feature? The one who galls you because she acts like she’s all sexy and acts like guys don’t notice her ugly-ass stretch marks.
Guess what. We don’t.
She’s not acting. She learned the secret. We don’t actually care about the muffin top, or the scars, or the stretch marks. She knows that. She knows that a little muffin is part of the lovin’. She knows that we see Angelina Jolie sticking her leg out at the oscars and we think “Holy shit, is that Skeletor?!”
Do me a favor a search for Nancy Upton– or better yet, just click this link– it goes straight to cherry pie.2 Take a look, and then let me explain something to you: No guy anywhere, ever, is going to look at that picture and think “ew, stretch marks.” Seriously, no guy is thinking that. In fact, few guys are able to view that photo of her and simultaneously maintain the capacity for thought at all.
Brain switched off. Shut down. Staring into yet another golden sun of sexy.
That woman is fucking hot, full stop. The only thing that comes to a guys mind when seeing this is– well she set up the punchline– eating pie.
She learned the secret you should learn: We pretty much only see the good parts– and it’s all good parts.
It’s not a character flaw because we’re blind or stupid. It’s not a lie because we love you or because we’re blind or stupid. It’s the truth, plain and simple. We, the men in your lives, look at you and don’t even see the bad parts– actually many “bad parts” we see and we like. Guys love wobbly bits. It’s true. We’re too busy looking lovingly at you to calculate things like stretch marks. Seriously, there’s too much beauty going into our eyeballs to think of anything else.
We only see the good parts, and- since we’re probably thinking about holding on for a nice long time- they are pretty much all “good parts.”
Ladies. You look really good to us.