Positively Glorious!

You believe that? Here I am, slaving away at my day job- fighting the good fight by letting kids get their daily recommended dose of benzene in the groundwater. In short: working. And she goes and leaves me.

Walked right out the door¹

Isn’t that just like a woman. When the going gets tough, they go and visit family so they can eat Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, I’ve got my own life. I don’t need her. And just to prove it, I’m not going to write a post enumerating all the reasons why it sucks that she walked out on me. I could complain and wallow in self-pity, but I’m going to do something positive instead.

I’m going to give you a David Letterman style: Top 10 list of the reasons why it’s good that she’s gone.

• Number 10: Finally, I get to wear wool socks to bed. Been wanting to do that for a while now, but miss hotpants always complains that it’s already warm enough.
• Number 9: I can spend hours at night programming and working on my book. There’s no need for stupid, hokey wastes of time like dinner, and togetherness. No, it’s just me. Me, and a computer. I can finally get something done. Yay me.
• Number 8: One word: “Macaroni and Cheese.” And not that Kraft comfort food crap that she likes- no way. I’m talking about real, full on, oven baked (with the occasionally over dry macaroni piece that crunches in your mouth) macaroni and cheese. I don’t want something with “real” cheese, dammit. I want unquoted cheese- and I can have it, too.
• Number 7: I can sleep in the office. Yeah, that’s right, I can sleep on the futon in the only room that has a heated floor. No longer will I be forced to slog all the way across the house to that big ugly queen-sized bed in the cold bedroom, only to be subjected to the pointy elbows and cold feet of somebody else all night. Not me, I can sleep in warmth and comfort right next to my computer.
• Number 6: Hell, I don’t have to sleep at all! Just thought of that!
• Number 5: Did I mention Macaroni and Cheese? Everybody say it with me!
• Number 4: I’m the Mead maker now! There’s a nearly full five gallon bucket of Meadow Foam honey just waiting to be turned into mead. I’m the one who finally gets to warm the honey, I’m the one who finally gets to add the yeast and take the specific gravity. Me. Not her. For years, she’s stolen the mead-making glory. Not any more!
• Number pi: Well, personally I don’t think that there are quite enough songs written containing the words “liquor” and “gasoline,” but that’s just me.
• Number 3: I don’t have to be subjected to her mother’s (veggie)sausage cheese balls- or to the morning lox and bagels with cream cheese. I get to eat what I want: Dry white toast that’s cold because I forgot to eat it while I was dealing with the cats spilling a vase of water. Yeah, baby. Breakfast. My way.
• Number e: Okay, everybody on the left side of the audience this time: Macaroni and Cheese!
• Number 2: Can you even imagine how many episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 I can watch between now and Saturday? Or how many times I can watch the entire Star Wars trilogy AND The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (across the 8th dimension, mind you)! HA! Shows you!
• And the number 1 reason why it’s good that she’s gone (complete with drumroll): I get to write ridiculous blog posts whenever I want!

What do you think, sirs?

1. Well, actually she walked right into the door, cause I dropped her at the airport, but it didn’t sound as good. [↩]