Positively Glorious!

I realize that many of the truths that I hold dear, I got from my father. Most of these are ideals that I am proud of, like “treat everyone you meet as if they are your cousin, for they very well might be.” That meant a lot to me growing up- many of my cousins were more like brothers and sisters to me. Still, there are others that I’m possibly not so proud of. One is a very specific view of things that women should and should not do.

My father always told me that every man should know how to cook, and no woman should have to. What he meant, of course, is that women shouldn’t be forced to cook, and that all men should be willing to take up that task.

It seems like a good thought, right?I mean, you’re doing something that she might not want to. You’re being a nice guy, right?

Well, you’re wrong. It’s not a nice thought because it’s still chavaunistic. I thought it was a great thought too… as an 11-year old. The problem is that 11-year olds grow up, and those thoughts that started out as “Women shouldn’t have to do X” slowly became a sort of male-dominated “Women should never be allowed to do X, Y, and Z.”

Three Things Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Do

In one of his myriad essays, David Sedaris tells a funny tale of learning to clean from his mother’s maid. She (the maid, not the mother) had a firm belief that you can either use a mop, or you can have a clean floor. It’s your choice. You get one of those two.

Personally, I agree with this. You don’t clean a floor by mopping the floor You feel good about yourself by mopping the floor. You check things off your to-do list by mopping the floor. You may, at best, move a bit of muck around by mopping a floor.

You clean a floor by getting down on your hands and knees with a wet soapy rag in your hand and getting to know it up close.

Now, as one of those things that women shouldn’t be allowed to do, I will offer you this: Women shouldn’t be allowed to clean floors.

They can mop them, that’s fine. They can check them off their to-do list and feel good about themselves by staying on their feet. But they shouldn’t be allowed to clean them. At no point should a woman be allowed to be on her hands and knees with a wet soapy rag in her hand intent on cleaning a floor.

Yes, I realize that my opinions are outdated and do not reflect the modern sensibilities of a 21st century man. I have my reasons, however, and they are good ones.

I actually hope that you find my reasons fairly obvious. After all, from my perspective, it should be fairly obvious why a woman– women in particular, of course, but in this case, my wife– should never be allowed to be on her hands and knees with a wet soapy rag in her hand intent on cleaning the floor.

Gentlemen, you’re with me on this, right? Throw away the new-found attitudes about equality that you’ve been pretending to hold and join me on this one. Women don’t belong on the floor like that.

It’s a matter of intention.

But I digress. Allow me to give you a corollary to the floor mopping.

I happen to take David Sedaris’ love of a clean floor more seriously than he does. I also believe that you can either have a clean toilet, or you can use a toilet brush. It’s your choice, but you only get one of the two. And so I humbly suggest that women should not be allowed to clean the toilet. This is actually for a slightly different and perhaps marginally more 21st century reason than cleaning the floor. The reason for this is more along the lines of… “Eww!”

Yeah, gentlemen, we just need to suck it up and take the hit on that one. Clean the damn toilet. There’s no freakin’ way you should be making her do that! Those hands shouldn’t be allowed to do that.

Okay, now we get to the most important thing that women shouldn’t be allowed to do. This is actually the reason that I’ve written this essay, with the previous two points included only to bring me to a nice rounded triumverate of cleaning tasks. You can let women get away with the first two once in a while, but this one is definitely forbidden.

This one is about the shower.

Look, you know the duality by now, so you probably have it figured out. You can either keep your clothes on, or you can have a clean shower. It’s your choice, but you get one of the two.

If you keep your clothes on, you can feel good about yourself. If you keep your clothes on, you can check things off your to-do list. If you want a clean shower, however, the way to it is not through a prudish performance of spraying and gingerly wiping. The way you clean a shower is to strip buck naked, grab a brush and a spray bottle, squat down, and scrub.

Yeah, it’s uncomfortable. Tile hurts like hell on bare knees, that’s why you squat, but you have little choice- eventually you have to get on your knees and bend over. You need to squat and bend and scrub, and when your done, you turn the water on and you wipe it all down. Then, you have a clean shower.

Now, this is definitely one of those things that women should not be allowed to do. Again, it’s about intention. I mean, a naked man squating in a bathroom with a scrub brush and a bottle of semi-toxic liquid? With, well, stuff hanging uncomfortably as he scrubs strange black goo from in between tiles?

No person, male or female is mistaking any intentions here. The man is uncomfortable to the point of being angry, and he’s taking his aggression out on just the algae that deserve it. The woman? She’s in another room, because watching her man– any man– squatting naked with a scrub brush is a sight that borders on the disgusting (yeah, ladies, admit it. As much as you love him, the words “squat,” “dangle” and “scrub,” when placed closely together in the same  sentence, make the word “sex” something that’s difficult ever to think of again).

The woman is busy avoiding the entire scene because she understands that it has to be done. She respects him for doing it, and wants to stay out of his way. In a few moments, the pain will be over, the water will come on, he’ll wipe everything down, and they will both have a clean shower.

Now, hypothetically. Let’s switch the roles. We are assuming– as we all should– the universal need to not be clothed while cleaning the shower, but let’s have a naked woman in the shower holding a scrub brush. Again, two people, one naked and bent over in the shower.

You see? It’s all about intention.

The woman? She’s intent on cleaning the shower.

The man?

Well, let’s just say that in a few moments, the water will come on, he’ll wipe everything down, and neither of them will have a clean shower.

Women shouldn’t be allowed to clean the shower.

Because men shouldn’t be forced to have that kind of discipline. There are certain intentions that go along with butts being in the air and naked women holding soapy things in the shower. And cleaning is very, very far away from any one of those intentions.

Look, throw your rotten tomatoes. Hiss and boo me. I know I’m a chavaunistic bastard. I’ll blame my father. I’ll even apologize.

I’m sorry. I really am. For thousands of years of persecution and a 21st century where your wages will still not be as high as mine even though we are in the same statistically sampled demographic. I’m sorry. I really am.

But I just don’t have enough concentration and discipline to have cleaning on my mind when placed in certain situations.

So let’s all just avoid those situations when we need to clean. Whaddaya say?