Positively Glorious!

…nor any drop to bank.

I learned some interesting things today at my lunchtime meeting with an auditorium full of formerly interested, silly angel investors¹. I have to say that, despite the extra expense I now have in providing sufficient bandages to patch the wounds of my shoddy Executive Summary, it went surprisingly well.

As I like to say, it’s always nice to hear people tell you that you are completely full of a blunt excrement. You can take those lessons and move on to the fabulous world of improvement! Here are Mettadore’s lessons for the day:

0: Don’t ever say “social networking.”

In fact, don’t even say “social.” They are bad words only to be used by people with enough money to back them up.

(Hint: Those people- you know, the ones with enough money to back them up- well, they’re not you).

You might also consider staying away from the word “networking” unless you’re holding a Cat 5 cable.

1: Have plenty of money.

There’s no substitute for already having enough money to do what you want. Seriously, the best way to get someone to give you the money you need to do market research is to get the money you need to do market research. Nothing says “give me your money” like “I don’t need your money.”

2: Don’t ever say “social networking.”

Yes, you can repeat yourself, as you see, it makes a point. When you are repeating yourself, however, you should never repeat the term “social networking.” It’s not worth repeating and you shouldn’t have said in the first damn place.

e: Foundations crumble

At some point, someone is going to start as sentence with something like “Now I don’t know about [whatever market sector you are attempting to address] but…”

During the next part of their statement, you are going to listen as the entire foundation of your concept crumbles. If you have any ego at all, you’ll want to ignore what they say- or give up and go home- before they even finish. Don’t. For some strange reason, these people seem to want you to succeed, so listen to everything. Put a shim under your ego until you can rebuild using their advice- and there will be advice. Again, it seems like they want you to succeed, so they don’t seem to stop giving advice. At some point, it seems like talking to these people is more valuable than getting money from them.

3: Listen, seriously people!

Don’t say it! I know you’re plan is fundamentally focused on using these techniques, I know that you already have a Facebook app, I know that you were the first beta tester for OpenSocial. I’m with you on this one, believe me. I’m just saying that it’s not worth throwing your life away! Don’t say it!

pi: Do your homework.

So, it would seem, sadly, that there is no substitute for work. These people need numbers, and imaginary numbers like i simply won’t cut it. I know, it’s a lot easier to to just think of random numbers or use Google’s market share as your base estimate for revenue in 5 years, but it doesn’t work. They won’t buy either of them. I know, I just tried them both. It seems that, for some reason, if people are going to give you gobs of money to start a company, they want to know that it’s going to eventually turn a profit. I can only assume this is because they want the money to come flowing back.

I know, I can’t really figure it out either, but there you are.

4: Keywords and catchwords

It’s a really good idea to know your keywords.

I mean, no-one is stupid enough to mention Google or even Cuil, right? What I didn’t know is that even the phrases “search engine” and “web portal” are fairly dangerous. There’s another keyword  phrase that you should stay away from, but I forgot it right now.

What was that phrase…?

5: I’m watching you!

Hah! That was a test! Nooo! Don’t you say it! You’re going to be in so much trouble!

6: See #1

Oh, here’s a good point, if you or your fellow founders and advisors haven’t actually invested anything, what’s the chance that these people will? Remember, nothing says “give me your money” like “I don’t need your money.”

x: Ask for a lot of money.

Don’t figure out just what you need for Ramen and rent for one year.

I know that it sounds good to try to do everything on the cheap by building your site with old Commodore Vic-20s that you found in the back lot of an old abandoned church. I know, there’s all this stuff about dilution and saving money, but you should probably do some research on what it’s honestly going to take to get the job done- and in that research, it might be a good idea to budget a large amount for actual equipment and marketing. Apparently, no-one is going to give you any money unless they are confident that you are asking for enough money.

7: Practice. A lot.

Probably the most important, don’t stand up in a room full of investors and try to sell the company that you dreamed up last night after drinking too much Double Mountain. The best idea you can get is to try to sell it to as many people as possible. No one will buy it if no one has bought it. It’s strange, I know, but the idea is fundamentally sound. Get your ducks in a row as best you can, then talk- and people will show you all kinds of holes you never saw. Fill them well, rinse, repeat.

8: Competition is good.

In fact, competition is fundamental. If you don’t have any competition, you seriously need to re-think your product. I mean, no offense and in all due respect but, you’re not that damn smart. If you’re thinking it up, chances are it’s already been done, or it just ain’t worth doing. And remember, the status quo is probably the most serious competition you will ever have.

Lessons learned

That’s pretty much what I learned today. Again, it went as well as could be expected, considering the whole summary was scratched in crayon the night before (Rememeber, there’s no substitution for real work).

Good luck if you’re in a similar situation.

And remember, if you are directly competing with me- competition is good. Just remember to sell them on the Social Networking aspect of your business. It’s all the rage right now- people will throw money at you!

1. Actually, that’s “SILLI,” The Super Intelligent League of Leveraging Investors [↩]